Written by Savannah Babych, LMSW
Mark and Sarah came into the office this week frustrated and feeling lonely in their relationship. Mark doesn’t understand why his wife isn’t interested in being intimate or holding hands when they went to the shops today to buy a gift for their niece’s 3rd birthday. Sarah complains that Mark isn’t showing her enough attention. Mark feels confused; they both feel rejected and lonely. Sound familiar?
“How am I not paying enough attention to you? I tried to hold your hand today and you swatted me away. I wanted to cuddle on the couch last night when we watched our show and you said you needed space! I feel like I can’t do anything right,” Mark exclaims.
Sarah replies, “You know, I asked you to do the dishes yesterday morning and you totally ignored that. So, when I got home from picking up our children and grocery shopping — to then see the sink full of dishes, no, I did not want to cuddle on the couch with you.”
So many of us get trapped in this cycle when we are speaking our love language and expect our partner to receive that love because it might be how we would receive it. However, everyone gives and receives love in different ways! So if you are expressing your love to your partner in a language that they don’t speak, your efforts go unnoticed and vice versa.
The Languages
Developed by Gary Chapman thirty years ago, the 5 Love Languages are based on his own experience working with couples. The love languages help us to categorize and understand the different ways in which we communicate and receive love from one another. This concept can be applied to any kind of relationship but can be exponentially helpful in a romantic relationship that is a bit more seasoned.
1. Words of Affirmation
Putting this love language into action can look like paying compliments to your partner. It can also look like offering kind words or words of encouragement. Those who value words of affirmation want to be told how amazing they are! Don’t we all? In reality, this love language helps to validate that we are being seen for everything we are and everything we do. Doesn’t that sound nice?
2. Physical Touch
Physical touch seems to be one of the most well-known love languages in a relationship. We all have different experiences when it comes to physical touch and it’s important to know ourselves and express our likes and dislikes in this area. Physical touch includes sex, but goes far beyond that! Craving this love language can also mean, holding hands, sitting next to one another, a brush of the cheek, a giant bear hug… the list goes on. People who value physical touch enjoy those happy love hormones that come along with it!
3. Quality Time
Quality time is, simply put, spending time with each other and connecting through focused attention and conversation. Sitting together and binging Netflix maybe just doesn’t cut it. Let’s face it, most of us live really busy lives and it’s hard to find a moment to ourselves, nonetheless our relationships. But if we can be intentional about connecting regularly, we often find that preventative work helps eliminate future problems.
4. Acts of Service
Here we’ll find Sarah. Sarah wanted Mark to do the dishes this morning, but because he probably got busy and forgot about it, that never happened. Sarah took this as rejection because this may be the way she receives love right now as a stressed-out mom. Sarah wanted Mark to prioritize her “ask,” or maybe take the initiative to do it without asking (how many of us have heard that before?). In not fulfilling her request, Sarah felt Mark wasn’t paying attention or being conscientious of her needs and workload.
5. Receiving Gifts
Ahhh, gifts. They are so fun to receive and for some, so fun to give! Though, not for all. Some of us value gifts because they show that our partners know us and think about what we may like. Some of us like to receive gifts because it’s just fun to open a surprise every now and then! Maybe you give great gifts as your love language, but your partner isn’t really a “gift person.” You know the partner that never looks at the thing you put hours into picking out again? That’s the one! All the more reason to examine those love languages to make sure our energy is being put to good use.
Making the repair
If you’ve just read this article and are sitting in a panic, don’t! It is OKAY to feel like maybe we don’t have the understanding of what our partners need to the degree that we thought we did. Unless we communicate these things and have intentional conversations about them, how would we ever know? Now is your chance to get it right! Take the quizzes online or read “The Five Love Languages” book to find out how you give and receive love with your partner so that your efforts are well received and you don’t miss the mark.
If you want to learn more about The 5 Love Languages and how to implement them in your relationships, sign up for my workshop taking place on September 21st at NourishYourMind.com/upcoming-event/love-languages-workshop/.
-Savannah Babych, LMSW